Head Qrs 2^nd Division 23^rd A.C.

Camp near Kinston N.C. March 18^th/65

 

I have been marching up and down before my tent for a long time dear wife hesitating whether I should attempt to write to you tonight, as I feel so dull that I fear a letter will give you no pleasure in my present mood. The day has been warm, and I have felt so depressed that I could scarcely make up my mind for my usual letter. If therefore it should be duller than usual you must bear with it as the best I could do. Your letter of yesterday has made me feel more gloomy than anything I have heard for a long time. I see no way of relieving you and this it is which depresses me beyond measure. I cannot bear / to have you in the slightest degree really doubt my devoted love and it pains me to have you intimate such a thing. If you are like me, to doubt, would be misery. If I did not have the most unlimited confidence and trust in your love, my life in the future would be miserable indeed. You are my good angel darling wife and in your love I find compensation for all trials and troubles. You must feel the same towards me or I shall not be satisfied. Because I do not quit the service you must not imagine that my love for you is less, but rather give me credit for the great sacrifice I make in yielding up the enjoyment of your love for a time in the performance of a conscientious duty. I know that you do not look at this as I do but / will not my darling believe me when I say that I am acting according to the dictates of my conscience? I would fly to you upon the wings of the wind could I do so rightly, but I must guard my feelings so as not to permit them to make me do that which hereafter both you and I should regret. I desire to return to my wife with a name of which she will be proud, so that whatever may be our lot hereafter, whether of poverty, or wealth, we can at all times command the respect of all. I am very jealous of your good opinion dear wife, and will try to deserve it by doing my whole duty as far as I can. It is a hard and bitter struggle for me to stay here, and it seems to me that I should be completely happy if the miserable war would / end so that I could once more take you in my arms, and quit all your cares and troubles with my protesting love. This time will shortly come I believe and we must for a little longer keep on in the path we are now pursuing. It will lead to happiness in the end. We have no news of the enemy near us. They seem to have gone entirely. Today we received orders to prepare to march tomorrow with three days rations, but it is bed time and no orders have yet come to positively march. The next town is Goldsboro but before we can occupy that we must complete the railroad which the rebels have destroyed. Sherman I expect will reach there before we can, as he is now marching, and may expect to reach there by tomorrow. Love to Lindy & the children with loving good night kisses to darling wife.       M^cLean

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