"Louisville, Ky. June 15^th 1865."

 

"My Darling Etta",

                        I cannot express my anxiety to hear from you, last night I recd a letter from Kate in which she said that you was sick. I could not tell from the tone of her letter wheather the illness was of a dangerous caracter or not. she did not think when she wrote it that it interested me so deeply, if she had she would have given me more information. As it is I am I am left a prey to the sadest thoughts and worst fears that ever intruded upon the human heart to marr its happiness. If I knew dear Etta that you was dangerously ill, I would come home immediately, regardless of consequences. I tryed this morning to get a furlough but failed. I could not present any claims above those of others, consequently I had to take my chance at drawing with the rest, and did not happen to be the lucky one. Samuel Moore gets one without drawing because his mother is a widdow and him the only support of the family, and it is right, he ought to go, he has a reasonable excuse for a prior claim and should have had a furlough a year ago by rights, and I am glad to see him get it now, but I doubt if his desire was any greater if as great as mine. I know it is wrong to give myself unecessary trouble or uneasiness about events over which I have no control, but it seems almost impossible to help it situated as I am, shut up as it were in a prison, with nothing to do, nothing with which to occupy my mind, no books or papers, because we have no money and / compeled to mingle with in the society of the profane from morning till night, and listen to the obscene talk and rude jests of wicked and thoughtless men. it is enough to make one whose morals are not wholy corrupted feel a natural burning desire to get out of such a place. I never felt it before as I feel it now, for I was never placed in the same circumstances. I always had some chance for relief. when in camp I could retire to some quiet spot and enjoy a few hours reading or writing without interuption, or was engaged in some of the duties of camp, but here there is no respite whatever, the whole army in camped right around us, and one would have to walk a long ways to find a single spot where he could enjoy a few moments alone. in the most secret places is found groups of men gambling. The very spot one would chose for secret devotions is made into a den of vice. and when we were on the march or campaign there was excitement enough to keep up ones spirits and dispel the gloom which naturally settles about the heart when harrassed by fears for the safty of those he loves, but here, there is no excitement at all unless some man comes in intoxicated and commences to raise a mutiny, which is often the case, but such excitement has no attractions for me, it only makes my condition more disagreeable. another thing too which makes my desire to get home greater than it would be otherwise, is the belief, or I might say the knowledge, that our work is done. the great object for which we left homes and all that was dear to us is accomplished. The rebelion is chrushed and our services are no longer needed by the goverment, and why we are kept seems to be a mystery no one can solve, and I think it is unreasonable. the govt should let us know why we are kept and when they are going to let us go. I am not / willing to stay myself, not any longer than til the 1^st of August anyway. if they do not give us satisfaction, then I for one am going to take the responsibility on myself and desert, if they have amind to call it so. I do not call it desertion, for the cause for which we have been fighting has ceased to exist, and pretty much the whole army seems to be of the same opinion, so I think we are strong enough to carry it out. On Monday next we expect to receive our pay and thousands are going to desert as soon as they get the money in their hands, but I do not want to act too hastily for the goverment may have some just reason for keeping us, though we cannot see it just now.

 

            I hope and pray earnestly, Dear Etta, that your life may be spared and your health restored, and that I may meet you soon. Oh, Etta I could not endure the thought of loseing you. should you be taken I would pray that I too might go. This world would have no charms for me without you, but I will put my trust in him who worketh all things for the best and try to hope that he in his loving kindness and tender mercy will see fit to spare us both for the enjoyment of each others society, and will bless us in all our efforts to do good and promote the interest of the cause of Christ, and that he will make our life a long and happy one, and that when we come to pass through the dark valley of the shadow of death we will be able to exclaim, Oh, Death where is thy sting? Grave where is thy victory? I must now bid you Adeau Adiew, Dear Etta, please write immediately. If you are unwell let me know it, if not able to write let John write. My anxiety is great.

 

                        I remain yours forever. Henry.

SOURCES