Handsboro May 11^th 1864

 

How shall I address you dearest Irwin? the epithets my heart dictates would probably appear too sickening to you & I would much sooner die than lose your esteem I wonder I have the heart to write after having heard some of the reports current in H— & more than likely you will be equally surprised when you know what an ordeal I have passed through: more of this anon.

 

            Would you like to know how my time has been spent? cried myself sick Saturday I was unable to attend church Sunday. Mrs Long sent for me Monday morning (Aunt Mary went over to her old place) of course I went to see her wanted to sympathize with me & talk about business, I remained until nearly eleven O'clock A.M. & started for home got opposite Mrs. Cowen's & felt too unwell to go farther staid there until 3 P.M. got company & had a most delightful talk reached home after dark, not without company / ordered supper immediately & had nearly finished eating when Aunt Mary came in she had enjoyed herself hugely. had had a splendid dinner and will go over again soon, in consequence. She named over many of the delicacies & substantials the former of which made my mouth almost melt. pleaded for a reprieve & 'twas granted. (I have been on the front gallery every evening since you left & tried to imagine your protecting arms around me but the cold hard wood received my form & my searching palm my feverish brow) retired at nine to dream not of you but of trying to get to you, some invisible power restrained my anxious feet & awoke to find my self imprisoned by the bedclothes so that I could scarcely move or breathe; released my self & slept sweetly until ten minutes after sunrise Aunt M— a negro girl & my self then went to Cap^t Kibb[?] after strawberries every nice one I found was offered to a being near whom my spirit hovered but was doomed to let the berry go in the basket / or to melt in my mouth. arrived here safely about four o'clock nearly starved had supper & dinner to gether at five. Walked home with Mollie Hempstead who had been to see me in the evening. we planned a trip to Ocean Springs provided she could get a horse; were to leave here Friday evening & return Sunday, in the mean time I was to ride my poney to death trying to procure her a beast of burden. Aunt & I sat there some time & fearing we would be caught in a shower made haste for home. the sky was dark & lightning sported over her gloomy face caressingly till yielding to its soft entreaties she relieved herself in soul refreshing tears. first, came the groans of an overcharged heart. then a little hail as if the portals had been frozen over but was thawing gradually with the warm hand of affection finally dying away into sighs as a child does going to sleep after its sorrows are over & as you have heard me do. M^rs Davis has come must go down to see her 

 

May 12^th

She came to tell me that her mother could get no one to bring the dress out of N.O. for me; said she would not have honored me with another visit had she not thought I was heart broken, spent a couple of hours in very pleasant chitchat she is one of the few who can converse without slandering her neighbors, found out all about the "last serenade". how perfectly ridiculous some scenes in it were! after she left we prepared to go to the P.O. & were just starting when Mrs. Meyers came in bringing me "the letter" I have read it at least one dozen times. Oh! how relieved I feel now for after some things I have heard my heart had almost ceased to throb save with the most poignant anguish yet I kept it hidden. When I commenced this letter 'twas hardly with the intention of sending it but because my heart needed some outlet to its misery. Aunt has gone after / dem berries wanted me to accompany her but I am too stiff & sore after the previous berrying party to go on another excursion of the same kind under two weeks at least: beside I would rather write to & commune with my mate. Your face looks up to me from the table & many kisses have been imprinted on the paper stamped with your image.

 

            While out on Monday last I heard that you had given certain persons in this town names unmentioned to understand by hints innuendoes & parenthesis that I was not the girl of your choice & that you were only flirting with me to pass away the time that you had gone as far with many girls yes even been more devoted to them than to Jennie. that you saw I was anxious to captivate you & if you did not visit the rest of the girls 'twas because I did not give you the chance. this was told me by a friend with tears in her eyes & she thought I / ought to believe what every one else did & entreated my confidence. I told her that you had introduced me to your mother as your future wife & that I would believe nothing of the kind unless you told me so laughed & put on bold face, but had a good cry when I went to bed that night. Lieut Champlin got home Saturday & I was advised by Miss Mollie H— to captivate him now if I could. You may possibly imagine the sarcasm & affectation mingled in this cutting speech I laughingly remarked that his leave of absence was not long enough to warrant success & that I should not throw away any charms on a person with only ten days furlough it would doubtless be a great relief to the good people of Handsboro to know that my heart was not broken by the supposed flirtation. My heart darling is not in my own bosom & I know that its place of rest is guarded by strong & willing arms. it never wearies of / its cage or capture and only flutters with joy when you think of me. My Irwin! what bliss those two words imply.

I did not mean to wound you by my words at the boat. you emphasized the among one. Is this our parting meant we were were we indeed to be seperated I could scarcely realize it & every time the gate opens my heart leaps almost expecting to see you come in. Aunt Mary is the recipient of numberless caresses intended for another when I am asleep; I awoke this morning in the act of kissing her forehead it seemed so strange that my best beloved should turn away from my kiss this was what called me back to realities. Are you growing weary of trying to decipher this lengthy epistle? I'll judge you by my self though for none from you will ever seem long enough as to the handwriting I shall only reiterate / your remark "you must get used to it"

 

I understand that Mr. Graves saw you all at Mr. Ramsay's Tuesday & when some of the girls received letters through him my heart almost sickened when none came for me but your sweet letter written at Ocean Springs came in just in time to keep the tears of sorrow back & let joy weep or find vent in tears. Contrary to your expectations the Elephant has not made his appearance. You see from my commencing this letter before receiving yours that if you do not hear from me often enough 'twill not be my fault & remember that the mail is watched for here with hoping & expecting eyes: do not forget the photographs Aunt sends love to you & desires to be remembered (with me) by Major Pullen

 

"Good bye my love Good bye"

                                   

Your Own Jennie

 

[margins]

 

Oh! Yes, I nearly forgot to tell you that we have milk now twice a day. Your plate was put on the table for several meals after you left but it made the void more apparent

 

I was advised to get jealous of Miss Lizzie Shepherd but will send my love instead I hate to say Good bye but must; some message of love I still must send, so says my heart. but paper says, no. The twilight hour is yours my love do not forget

Jennie

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