This is in reply to yours of the 15^th I will answer the 13^th by Fridays mail

Handsboro May 24^th 1864

 

My darling Irwin

                                    Do you know that even to write to you is a bliss & it is, but to receive letters is a joy almost unspeakable. I should be very thankful to be able to write for I could not possibly stand being seperated from you were it not for the consolation, poor though it be in comparison with hearing the sound of your dear voice, of once in a great while at least of conning your letters.

 

            I would have made a splendid Catholic or Idolater if your face was the image to be worshipped for indeed Irwin I do little else but drink in every feature from morning till night I gaze with rapture a few minutes then caress and am foolish enough to cry when I see no change of expression, no movement, no sign of life. When speaking of you, Irwin comes slowly to my lips & I start as though some one has whispered your name in my ear and look around almost expecting to see some guilty person pale and trembling ready to ask my pardon for having dared so much. Aunt Mary calls you Irwin when speaking to me but I can scarcely stand it my heart leaps to my mouth, breathing ceases & for a second I know nothing save that another dares to call you aught but Lieut. Kendall, John or brother. I am changed in every respect no one recognizes the laughing reckless nettie now. all open their eyes in wonder when I pass them with merely a good morning or a nod. since the first time I saw you this change has gradually been coming over me & 'tis by this I know I love you. May I mention Lieut Comforts name without fear of making / you jealous. While I considered myself engaged to him I felt that I had thrown myself away & that I would eventually sink to his level so I cared not what I did or what persons thought of me. I was almost a maniac and in a few years would have been so completely beside myself as to have been unsafe. Oh! Irwin when I think of my probable fate had I not met you & been blessed with your love my blood curdles & I shiver with fear. Irwin your death would [?] me or my spirit would soon fly away mayhap overtake yours in its flight. Oh! my God leave me not alone in this world I could not live—But why do I think of such things it is certainly not from a presentiment that we will never meet on earth; on the contrary my hope is so strong it seems a certainty that we will spend many happy years in each others society.

 

            I suppose that now my fears are stronger because we hear you have been ordered to Georgia & are probably now engaged in a conflict of life & death. but I'll try to remember that God can care for you so well on the battle field as in a fort & will try to wait His good pleasure in bringing you back safe to the arms of those who love you. No Irwin I know that your love for me will not make you cowardly on the battle field you have me more to fight for, this thought I know will only spur you on. God forgive me if I ever repine at any lot I know yours is more trying & if I should ever urge you in my letters to return, may they never reach you unless you can do so honorably, for though I know you would pay no heed to them yet you would think less of me & I should never dare hold up my head again, for I would be a disgrace & dishonor to my sex, country, lover, & name. But the days / are all counted & the hours numbered each succeeding one being longer than the first though I do try to sleep them all away. I am either reading or writing until after dinner, then I sleep till sundown have my pony saddled go over to Mrs. Myers & get her little boy Calvin have a canter around town come home again eat supper; then sit on the front steps until I think you are sleepy then retire to roll about & fight musquitoes for about 12 or 13 hours thus, or with very little variation, pass my days.

 

            The Tennisee detachment left here about midnight night before last I do not think they were regretted much but they behaved themselves very well. they were decidedly verdant officers & men too so far as I was able to judge. they were sorry they had to leave before they could get to dance & did not seem to wonder at your squad being so loth to leave here. I wrote you a short note by them thinking that probably even that would be preferable to none. I was about ten minutes writing it so you must excuse it I did not have time even to read it over and put in the words which were left out. I am going to stop making excuses for you will begin to think I can't do any better, I don't pretend to say I can. You tell me not to raise my expectations too high all I have to day is you must exceed my hopes in your letters for indeed I am nearly as exacting as yourself in this respect. In your last letter written on the fifteenth at Bon Secour you say it is now ten days since I told you good bye. count the differance between the 7^th & the 15^th. Do you make it ten? You must study arithmetic a little when you go to school my dear in reality 'twas only eight days / but seemingly to me several weeks. this I believe is the seventeenth day since the parting words were said & though it appears that ages have passed yet every tone, every look & gesture of yours are as vivid to me as though only a second had flown.

 

            Now Irwin I suppose you think strange that I should notice such slight mistakes but when I read over the second page of this letter the transcript of my feelings was so fearfully true that I thought it necessary to divert your mind even by a little raillery. I most likely would here continued in that strain if Aunt Mary had not called me many thanks to her for so doing. You say you will not write to me in anger no Irwin I beg of you never do that for I may not be able to decipher the letter at all judging from the rapidity with which your pen glides over the paper. You remember I have had a specimen of its speed; when Mr. Gostenhoffer came to tell you about the boat. You spoke of suffering with something in your letter of the 15^th but I cannot imagine what it is unless 'twas a slight fever let me see if I can copy it (light feavr) there, that is perfect. Now don't get grieved I carried it to Aunt Mary & she gives her approval to the copy & says tis a facsimile.

 

            If it was fever & you have not yet recovered I know a good laugh will do you good. Now my love let me kiss that frown from your brow stop and look at me so; now I'll rub your forehead please kiss me you see I'm waiting. thank you I knew you would not get angry with me. but Irwin I can sympathize with you & I hope you will find me not only an helpmate in prosperity but when clouds hang threateningly over your sky let mine be the hand to dispel its gloom. my all on earth is centered in you & when clouds shade my sun from my gaze I shall sicken and pine. never be angry with me Irwin for if I am wayward & childish sometimes I will soon find that I am in the wrong and fly to my resting place on your bosom I hope that you have received one of my letters at least / in this time for I was very much disappointed when I learned that you had not, especially since you seemed inclined to blame me though you said you would not lecture me. I am (liked to have said much obliged but I remember your aversion to thanks expressed) very much pleased with the Lady of Lyons but was surprised to find it english; thought from what you said it was in french but I now see it is "French's standard drama". some of the descriptions are beautiful. What an idea this is "Heaven will lend its stars for torches" May she not forget to do the same at our blissful meeting. but Irwin I must close as Mrs. Taylor expects me to come over & read Devreaux aloud to her to day & it is nearly mail time. I wish you much success in your studies & if you will be better pleased, in your promotion but do not think the less of me when you become 1^st Lieut. Miss Lucy Burton says she intends to captivate you & make you forget me but remember that if she succeeds a pair of hazel eyes will become less bright & a pair of lips cold dry & purple. I have no fears though. All the children miss the 4^th La & what must those more capable of appreciating the good qualities of said Regt feel. No Irwin you are not forgotten here & no matter what company shall in the future be sent here none can occupy the place reserved for the 4^th La. Our respects to Maj. Pullen. Aunt sends much love. God bless & give His angels charge concerning thee will be my constant prayer Good bye Irwin. Write very often & long letters to Your

Waiting & patient Jennie /

 

Are my letters longer than you can spare time to read if so let me know & I'll try to curtail them         

 

Yours Affectionately

Jennie

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