Handsboro Aug 22^nd 1864     

           

My dearest Irwin

                                    It rained so hard Saturday the mail carrier did not go to Biloxi so of course I was in a perfect fever the girls went to Sunday school yesterday morning & when they returned brought back the joyful news that Mr. Rutland had gone after the mail. I went with Aunt M. to the evening service thinking to be near when the letters were distributed. the walk proved de trope & I am now nearly as helpless as I was before. 'twas the first time I had attempted to walk farther than the peach orchard since the 13^th had to leave church and had not got nearer home than Dr. Longs before I gave out had [paper hole] several hours in the mean time Aunt M. Came with two letters one from Sis & the other from "my life", "my joy" my all on earth. How many more would you like Jennie? as many as possible & lo! & behold! there were four more oh! how my heart beat I was almost alive with delight but it did not cure my weakness the excitement [paper hole] on my nerves & twas necessary to get me home ere 'twas too late. With Aunts assistance I managed very well. I must thank you for sending one of yours to Mobile as Lizzie had to inclose a note with it I had written to her however but she had not received my letter or rather note as twas written while unable to turn over without help & of course under those circumstances my communications were not lengthy. Yours of the 3^rd 4^th 6^th 8^th & 9^th inst. all came yesterday & must give you credit for being a dear "good boy". I have received eight more letters from you than I have written. This  intelligence though must not keep you from writing by every opportunity as I have done all I could. the mail only leaves twice a week. I should write twice / as often as I now do. my letters are now much shorter than I like to send because I cannot sit up more than an hour or two all day. this need not alarm you, I have only sprained my back & lamed it for months, at least. 'twill not kill me & I do not suffer very much unless I tax my strength too much. Mr. Graves has returned! I am truly sorry for I had hoped he had some common sense but now alas my opinion seems to change. In your [paper hole] you speak of laughing at my distress because you did not come to see me well I am not near enough to see you commit yourself thus for I fear I should be tempted to. I know you would not come home [paper hole] seriously ill or badly wounded, thence my uneasiness & I assure you twas no laughing affair with me. I must beg you to excuse my inquisitiveness I'm always getting my self into some scrape or embarrassing place by it, and propensity to use long expressions. I'm trying to overcome my bad habits you must assist me "You see that Jennie wants to be flattered as well as most girls". that is a                

 

I won't say what no dear one I do not like flattery but tis sweet to be praised by those we love especially is it dear to me when I know the lips utter only half the heart feels. (judging you by myself) Irwin I'm sorry. I let my feelings get the mastery over my pen so much that it renders my writing nearly illegible but you must make allowances for me. So you experienced a little pride in having me called beautiful did you? "distance bids enchantment to the view". from the gate to the house I might be thought pretty but the minute the distance is close the charm or rather illusion is dispelled. The unpleasant comparison we feared we would have during the journey to Mobile, concluded with a sail to Ship Island would prove the most agreeable in other words. Mr B. Hancock, his brother & family have gone to the Yankees. Mrs. Mayers loaned her trunk to Mrs. H. to go to Ga. with (a very foolish thing was it not) & after they were suspected of going across the waters she tried to get it back. Mrs H. said she should not have it to save her life. / Mrs. H. used very ungentlemanly language & gave her to understand that the trunk was no longer hers. Mrs. Mayers has received three or four very interesting letters from her ladyship. Let me give you a piece of news. Do you know that you are getting more & more fastidious every time you write? really such unparalleled impudence must be noticed. In the first pl... you say you would not have received me if I had been so foolish as to have gone to you while you were sick! I declare the idea of your refusing to see me is perfectly ridiculous. You would have run with all imaginable speed to meet me. now don't say it, I know better than that I have friends near Montgomery who have been begging me to come to see them for a long time. Had you staid there long enough I would have accepted their kind invitation & consequently have had the felicity of being near you once more. Then secondly, you say "once give me the authority and I'll answer for it [paper hole] teach no young [?] how to shoot with my [paper hole] very serious. & again, "I do not approve of young ladies going floundering with young men especially in so public a place as Mississippi City". neither do I my love. none of the boys in the crowd were larger or older than Sammy and even if they were, Rachael, Sara Burr, Ory Dodge & myself were in one party at least a hundred yards behind the others. Ory is a boy tis true & eight or nine years old, but one of the most modest unassuming little fellows I ever met with. but even if the larger boys had been with us there was nothing immodest in our [paper hole] tis true I'm rather full of fun & frolic but never have I [paper hole] thing unworthy your betrothed since I have been so highly honored [paper hole] loved me I reckon you think the trip from Mobile was not altogether consistent with the above statement, but 'twas unavoidable. the city was in a great state of excitement, I was spunging on Mrs. Shepherd, Aunt Mary had kindly let me have her buggy mule, government was pressing horses & mules & I could get hers out of the way by bringing it home so I came if you are angry dearest / permit me to say that tis without cause & you must forgive this misdemeanor if you view it as such. As regards the school my aunt says she is deeply grateful to you for disapproving the plan as now she knows I will not go & she can make herself easy. She says she would have become frantic if I had gone for the house is no longer home when I am away. I always thought she liked me but now I know she loves me very dearly. could you have seen her on the evening of the 13^th when they thought me dying you would have been convinced as I was how dearly I was loved by every one in the house. Now do not think me jesting really 'twas thought impossible for me to recover, & that ere morning there would be a corpse in place of the playful little elf but thank God I was spared for though death had no terors for me I wanted to see you darling before bidding farewell to this mortal frame. You wish to know how it is that Anola & I manage to quarrel every time we meet. How you found this out unless Anola wrote it is more than I know I did not wish to burden you with this while you were in camp but as you have introduced the subject I will endeavour to do full justice to it. in the first place we are both very sarcastic, passionate & have wills of our own. And though Anola will not acknowledge it she is jealous perhaps of me, (but this thought is agony) and certainly of Lizzie. I know that I am writing to her brother but have not forgotten that he is also my future husband. I have told Anola time & again how dearly I loved her, my caresses when free from pain have been [paper hole] her to her hearts content. When I have been suffering with toothache or neuralgia caresses were a nuisance to me as they aggravated the pain [paper hole] many times to ask her to cease have endured tortures unimaginable & at times have nearly seized me those who have always been with me know that when I say I have nerve [?] 'tis as good as a command to leave the room I [paper hole] Anola has a very susceptible heart & rather than wound her would willingly have died some time ago I did not think I would ever love any one well enough to patiently let them speak to or touch me when suffering but I am now convinced to the contrary. Sometimes when worried about anything I'm apt to be selfishly silent this I know wounds Anola yet I cannot constrain myself to be merry when my heart is sad. As I told you we are both replete with irony & we commence throwing the shuttle of playful repartee & by degrees grow warmer, you would be astonished at the bitterness of some of our remarks. on one occasion Anola doubted my love or rather insinuated that I did not love her as much as I professed to. too proud to contradict the assertion I withdrew my caresses. I know you understand the feeling that prompted this from experience. do you remember the night you told me you did not love me & I would not allow your caresses till you took those cruel cruel words back. yes they were cruel though spoken in jest. Then again Anola used to stay down stairs & cry all the time I was writing to you and after every letter was written to you she would accuse me of coldness & contempt. these were bitter moments to me, to think that she would not write to you & did not like to see me writing so regularly to you. I once said that I would write to you by every mail though months passed without my receiving a single line now you guess what her reply was. "the more foolish you'll appear if you do". these words have been like so many poisoned arrows piercing my heart & have lent bitterness to many of my remarks. When I came home from Mobile I learned that Mrs. Cowan's son Decatur was delirious & thinking that perhaps she needed assistance went there after supper with Aunt Mary to sit up she asked Aunt to stay & said one would be sufficient. not wishing to sit up unless I was really wanted, came home. The next morning Aunt came back saying that Dicky was much worse & Mrs. C. wanted me to come up immediately if I could. of course I went taking it for granted that it would excuse me. Laura came up with a letter for me from my brother Frank & a note from Anola. I will read it to you that you may see that she apparently doubted my love. notice if you please on the second page second line "to be loved as you have professed to love me". there you see my love is regarded as mere profession & as I have repeatedly told her I could not & would not caress one who so evidently doubted my veracity. She speaks of my not giving her either / sympathy or advice. though unexpressed my sympathy was hers in every sense of the word. advice I could not give for I was not capable of so doing. Afraid of giving offense I was silent. My confidence has never been withheld when I thought 'twould make her happier if bestowed. she has read most all of your letters to me but some seemed too sacred even for a sister's eye to peruse. these I have read & reread while tears of chastened joy fall unresisted. Have you never felt that there are places in our hearts where only the one destined to be the future companion might enter. thus have I felt. Anola is a sweet girl & I love her dearly yet she is not Irwin therefore I cannot feel the freedom in her presence that I do in yours. You say "Sis like myself is very easily hurt the slightest word or look suffices to do the deed". Loved one have I wounded you? God knows 'twas unintentionally. of you I can ask forgiveness but of some persons I cannot. You know not how fondly you are loved Irwin could my heart be opened for your perusal you would then see that my God alone was worshipped more than you. I have a passionate nature either loving with all my soul or hating, loathing, detesting from the bottom of my heart. So you were pleased with the pouch. I was not satisfied with it but could get no more material suitable for one consequently had to send that one but if you are content I will say no more about it. Am very glad my sweet heart is easily pleased. Any thing you wish me to do I shall be most happy to prove my love by trying to please you. Come, what shall my next souvenir be. I take a delight in doing any thing for one so "grateful for small favors". I reiterate my words with regard to Polly. I did not know before that "human beings" were placed in the same category with "things". Smith Grammar says a noun is the name of any person, place or thing, giving us to understand that there is a difference between persons & things. So you begin to pity most sincerely my sweet heart do you? I have been telling you for some time that I was unworthy of you & that you would some day pity yourself. When did you first hear me make fun of that delightful expression "Well Sir"? No I was not frightened in Mobile for / I felt as much at home there as I do in H. Lizzie made the time spent indoors as pleasant as I could wish & taught me that my heart was much larger than I thought for what a sweet girl she is I love her dearly & if my loving her would make her form a favorable opinion of me the account you so anxiously expect will be all that your heart could wish I believe she is not very demonstrative in her affections but she did not refuse my love when 'twas given. Aunt Sally too with her kindness has won my heart. Mrs. Shepherd is a Scotch lady & of course were she less lovable than she is I should love her dearly. Dearest I must quit for the present. you may imagine this has not all been written at one sitting I write about fifteen minutes & lie down thirty. I'll try & write fill up this sheet tomorrow but if not well enough I know you will excuse me. kiss me my darling in token of forgiveness for sometimes treating Anola with coldness, in other words for paying her back in the same coin.

 

Aug 23^rd What a lovely morning. Iwould like to know what Irwin is doing now perhaps writing to me. God grant that his life be spared if engaged in the life & death struggle. Oh! for peace happy peace & the safe return of our noble boys who have been spared this far. How often when in the midst of a frolic with Aunt or the children is my laugh checked by saying "he may even now be moaning on the battle field", "cease thy nonsense Jennie for thou may'st carry a widowed heart hidden in thy bosom ere nightfall". Believe me loved one, I do love you with all a hearts pure devotion I might with as good grace say Irwin do you love me? but I know you do therefore 'twere little better than folly to ask it. I know Anola has written you the good news but I cannot refrain from telling you too. Mrs. Kendall has had two letters from your father isn't this joyful news. how earnestly I pray he may soon return to make his home happy & free your Mother from so much care. I am sorry I cannot make their troubles less hard to be borne. You say I cannot relieve them & of course I cannot. Plague take the musquitos how annoying they are. I must be very sweet as they prey upon me in preference to a houseful. What do you think Mrs. Cowan says of me. not to me though / or to a person who would be likely to see me. "if you want a sweet kiss go to Miss Jennie McBean. her lips are the very essence of nectar. I never see her but I want to kiss her & I have heard the young men say when she would pass "how much I should like to kiss her but oh she is so proud". between you & Mrs. C. I am in a fair way to be proud of my kisses & shall soon think I am very sweet. You say you must have a kiss before long won't some of your messmates exchange one with you. I would like exceedingly well to have you ask me for a kiss this morning. I don't think you would have occasion to ask more than once. Well my darling I must bid you good bye for I am growing weaker all the time. Aunt & Laura send much love. Kisses unnumbered & love more than a lifetime can tell. God bless & be with you my darling.

                                                                                               

Your own devoted

Jennie

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