Newburg Va Feb 16th 1862
Last night between nine and ten oclock, dear wife, I received my orders from Genl Rosecrans, "to march to Beverly by the best route & report to Genl Milroy". Thus your wish that I should not go to New Creek is gratified for I am going just the other way. I will not regret the order which I know will gratify my darling wife, but so far as we can judge the prospect for immediate active service is distant. This to us is strange as we came out to do battle for the good cause, and not to march to places remote apparently from the more active and stirring scenes which seem now to be taking place all around. The news has reached us today that Fort Donaldson is taken and has caused great rejoicing. We have no particulars excepting that / that the battle was a severe one. Genl Johnson, Hennie's father I believe was in the fort, and I suppose is probably among the prisoners if alive. I am glad of this for our sakes, but sorry for poor Hennie. But to get back to myself again, I must give you an account of the manner in which I have been compelled to spend this Sunday. Early this morning, or as soon as I could get my breakfast, I took a locomotive and went to Grafton some fifteen miles off, in order to get my wagons and horses sufficient to transport the regiment. Genl Rosecrans had only allowed me twelve wagons and these were totally insufficient to carry my tents and necessary equipage, besides being incomplete in themselves. I was compelled to march, and determined to make every effort in my power better to obey, and also to carry everything with me that belonged to the regiment.
When I reached Grafton I found it necessary to telegraph Genl Rosecrans at Wheeling, as no one would act without his orders. At last I succeeded in getting a reply, allowing me three additional wagons. I then had to go four miles further on the railroad to the depot where the horses and wagons are kept. I finally succeeded in getting everything loaded on the train, and returned here by half past seven this evening. It is now between eleven & twelve oclock, and as the last thing for me to do before sleeping I am writing to you. I intend to telegraph you in the morning, but am at a loss to know where to direct my dispatch. Your last letter said you intended to go to Louisville on Saturday, but in such a way that I am really at a loss to know whether you had certainly determined to go on that day or not. I will try and reach you by the telegraph at all events, so that / you may have the first news. Everybody at Grafton today exclaimed, when they heard our destination, and wondered what on earth we were ordered thus for when there seemed to be no need of our services. So dear wife you may free your mind from all fear of our getting into a battle very soon, unless there has been an entire change of plans on the part of the powers that rule. Not much chance for a brilliant career in the mountains of Virginia just now. I content myself in this, as in all other matters of a military character since I have been in the service, with the reflection that I am not the Commanding General, and therefore cannot know the necessity for each particular movement of troops. But it is my duty to yield unquestioning obedience to every military order coming from my superior officers, and that only by pursuing such a course can I ever obtain a reputation as a military man
But now comes to me dear wife the hard and disagreeable part of this order which is personal to myself and outside of the Colonel. It removes me from the line of railroad and in this way makes it more difficult to hear from my darling wife and children. The mail I understand is only carried on horseback to Beverly and I presume not very frequently, although upon this latter point I am not accurately informed. I know too dear wife that you yourself will be constantly fretting at not hearing from me as regularly as usual, and the knowledge of this adds to my trouble. Oh what punishment is great enough for those wicked traitors who have brought our country to this unhappy state. We are compelled dear wife to bear our share of the trouble which has come upon the whole country. / The knowledge however that others are suffering does not lighten the burden which we carry. Would that we could be together, and help each other by our mutual loving sympathy. But alas this cannot be, for the life I am compelled to lead would ill suit as tender and shrinking a woman as you are. Regrets are useless, and we must both bear bravely whatever a kind Providence has in store for us. With me my duties claim every moment of my attention, and my mind is kept from brooding upon the happiness I have left behind me, but I feel that with you there is no stimulant to save you from repining. Yet I am wrong to write this for there is a motion to induce you to use every effort to look upon all this change in our happy life with at least a resigned, if not a contented spirit. That motion dear wife is the preservation of your health, become even now I have no doubt somewhat shaken by your / grief. Think darling wife what effect it would have upon me were your health to fail now. Although I am sustained in my own judgment as to the course I have pursued, yet this would not make me less miserable if you were to suffer by my conduct. Now that I am getting away from the direct mail route I seem to feel more than ever our separation Would that I could give and receive a loving kiss from my darling wife now. I must turn from such thoughts or I will forget in some degree the hard duty which I have undertaken to perform, and which with Gods help I hope to succeed in. I received a letter from you yesterday which was filled with sadness and guilt. How much would I give to relieve you if I could. I can only beg you to struggle against this for my sake dear wife. Every pang you express finds an answering chord in my own heart, but I am tied hand / foot, and cannot yield, but must find such relief as I can in the conscientious performance of my duty.
It is now twelve oclock and I must stop, as I rise at five in the morning in order to get everything ready. I have one serious request to make darling wife, and that is not to imagine anything has happened to me because you do not hear from me quite so often. I will write whenever I can, but when I am off from the railroad the mail will not carry my letters so often. Write to me at Beverly Va. My march tomorrow afternoon will only be to Evansville some five miles distant as I start at 1 P.M. and the roads are very bad or dangerous. It will take me they say four or five days to reach Beverly although it is only forty eight miles distant. From this you can imagine the state of the roads. During all this time I cannot hear from my darling wife. I cannot do better or I would. I intend to serve my men as much as I can, for I know they will repay me in the time of need. I will direct this letter to Louisville as I hope I believe you arrived there this morning.
Give my love to your family and the children, with loving, burning good night kisses to my darling precious wife
N. C. McLean