Huttonsville March 13^th /62

 

            The mail tonight brought me two letters from you darling wife. The last one written you the receipt of my first letter from this place. This letter has made me feel very sad. You seem still to grieve so much over that which is unavoidable that it distresses me very much. You say that I never say anything about your coming to see me, and it is true that I have not, for the reason that such a step would be impossible at present. By the time you could reach here I might be somewhere in the mountains where I would not have you go for any consideration. Dearly as I should love to see you and take you in my arms I am not selfish enough to permit you to come here. If I ever am stationed at a point where it is atall practicable I will send for you and both for your own sake and mine you must dear wife be contented with this. / You say that you are not well and I love you too dearly dear wife, more dearly on account of the cause of your sickness, to subject you to any hardship which might not only endanger you, but might also end in disappointment. Have you informed your mother yet of the cause of your sickness? You ought to do so, and take her advice. Your headaches come from indigestion and I beg of you to correct this, as you easily can by a little medicine and plenty of out door exercise. It is no pleasant matter dear wife for me to be here separated from all that I hold dear and at the same time know that the dearest one to me is suffering for want of a little care. You say that "if I feel as much as you do our separation", I bear it without complaining. Now dear wife was that a kind thought on your part to doubt my feelings in regard to our separation? Oh if I could only make you feel how inexpressibly dear you are to me, and how necessary to my happiness, is / your own, you would never even in your inmost thoughts permit the slightest doubt to find a place. Look back and remember if it has been my nature to complain of those things which trouble me, and are without remedy. Your own heart will I know acquit me of any want of feeling so far as you are concerned. I do not complain because I have deliberately taken the course I am now following, because I firmly believed my duty to my country demanded that I should do so. This duty darling wife involves all things home, children and wife all go to make up that which we love as our country. I should lose my own self respect were I to remain quiet in the struggle and the man who feels that he has lost this is to be pitied indeed. Now my little darling look upon this with a brave heart and let me feel that I am sustained by your approval and love. Oh if you love me do not let me know that every step in the performance of my / duty is treading upon the heart of the wife I so dearly love. The struggle is a hard one for both of us, and none the easier for me because I am a man. My actions are voluntary, but what a necessity was there pressing upon my conscience to induce me to act as I have done. If it is a comfort for you to feel that I suffer on account of any absence from you enjoy it to the fullest extent, for God knows how readily I would stop this hateful war and fly to you, if I could by doing so return our country to peace and happiness as a united people. You seem to apprehend that the war will be protracted to an indefinite period, but in this I do not agree with you. At first I thought more as you now do, but the events of the last few weeks have caused me to change my mind, and I now think a comparatively short period will terminate the struggle. Pray God that it may be so, and that we may once again be united in peace & happiness. 

 

You ask my advice in regard to renting the place. I certainly think it unadvisable to do so, for I expect to occupy it with you again before many months roll round. We cannot tell the result of the last battles upon the people of the South, and it may be that submission will be the result in the course of a few months, particularly if our forces are pushed forward vigorously. I very much prefer keeping our home as it is. If you prefer not to go there you shall do as you please. It will only be necessary to hire some family to live in a part of the house (say the kitchen) and take care of the garden and the fruit trees. Mr Keys I do not like as a tenant. His brother is now acting very badly towards me in Cincinnati in regard to his rent. I do not fancy the family. Take courage dear wife and have faith in the future. We will again enjoy many a year at home / in Glendale together, loving each other the more for this trial now before us. I do feel for you darling wife more than I can tell you. I know your feelings at this time are not natural, and that everything is apt to take coloring from your peculiar feelings, yet you must let me kindly urge you to struggle against this for my sake and also for the sake of our unborn baby. Think of this seriously dear wife and with your whole heart act to work and command yourself. Above all darling do not suspect want of feeling on my part.

 

Today we have learned by telegraph of the battles at Newport News and in Arkansas. The victory by Curtis more than compensates for our loss of Newport News. Wherever we meet the enemy upon anything like equal terms in the open field we defeat them, and so I believe it will be throughout this war. We have the / right to battle for, and this gives strength to our arms, and courage to our hearts. I know not how it may be with others but to me, this is my tower of strength which upholds me under all difficulties. Think with me and bid me forward in the good course dear wife, leaving to the ruler of all to provide for the result according to his own wisdom. To him I look at all times for guidance and protection and I have faith that in the time of need he will sustain me by his power. Thus far I have been preserved in health whilst many others have been suffering from disease and two have died. Can I not trust still further, and will not my darling wife look from earth to heaven for that support which will enable her to sustain herself under all trials. How much I wish tonight to comfort you as I know I could were I only with you, but alas I can only write cold words on paper / which are ice compared with the feelings of my heart. Your letter has touched me very nearly and I grieve for and over you, without consolation tonight. Today it has rained, a spring rain a part of the time, and the balance of the day was cloudy but not unpleasant. We rode out some two miles and bought some maple sugar & tomorrow will have maple molasses for our meals. I also visited our poor boys at the hospital. They were all doing well but one. He poor fellow is very weak and ill. His recovery is extremely doubtful. They seemed glad to see me, and that compensated me for the visit. The house is about two miles & a half from the camp where they are so that I cannot see them as often as I wish.

 

I am not in need of my socks at present so that you need not send them until I write you further. Give my love to your mother and all the family & the dear children. I hope your mothers arm will soon get well. She must have had a severe fall to affect her so much. Love to your Aunts, Etta Mrs Johnson & all friends. Good night and God bless you darling wife You are light & life to your husband.

                                                                                   

N. C. M^cLean

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