Huttonsville March 28^th 1862.

 

            I received three letters from you dear wife by the mail last night, and one from Evy. They were all welcomed with a glad heart. I am truly thankful that our dear child has escaped so lightly. God has been very merciful to us in preserving her. I hope that Johny may escape altogether as I fear the disease in its mildest form may leave some terrible trace behind. You can readily imagine my distress at receiving your letter announcing Evys sickness. I at once feared the worst, and felt as if my position here was almost beyond my power to bear. It was impossible for me to leave and yet our dear child might be near unto death. May God in his mercy spare me from undergoing any such trial. My mind is now relieved in regard to Evy, but I feel great anxiety, both on Johny's account and your own. I will try and / not anticipate evil however for doubtless enough of it will in due season without my suffering from it beforehand in imagination

 

            I would have written you last night according to my usual custom but was prevented by the arrival of our stores of eatables ordered some time since from Cincinnati. As soon as tea was over the boxes were brought in and Major Reily commenced the work of opening them, in order that we might personally see how rich we were in the good things of this life. We consider ourselves quite well provided now for housekeeping and not wishing to be selfish have already invited Gen^l Milroy and his Adjutant General Capt George to dine with us tomorrow. I will give you a description of our dinner after it is over. George has a carte blanche to the extent of our stores, and we leave all to him. I have no doubt of his success. Our stores which arrived last night were as follows. Ten hams, some dried / mutton hams, sausage meat, one kitt of mackerel, white sugar, baking powder, buckwheat flour, half a barrel of eggs, three gallons of country molasses and a great many cans of prepared milk reduced to a powder. Then maybe a few more things which I have failed to enumerate. Yes I forgot two cans of peaches from Mrs Reily with some butter, biscuit crulls &c. Now have we not quite a variety of good things. No need of our starving yet awhile or living exclusively on pork & beans. With all our good living however Col Constable is the only one of the field officers who has grown fat. Major Reily and myself have both fallen off a little, I weigh now only one hundred and fifty three pounds, which is a loss of four pounds since my arrival here. I may pick up however upon our present stock, at least I intend to do so if consuming my fair proportion will have the desired effect. The work of examining our stores kept us until late / bed time so that my usual talk with darling little wife was lost. I thought none the less about her however and late as it was the temptation was strong upon me to take away from my sleep for the sake of saying some few things in reply to her letters. It grieves me dear wife to find that you regret my not consenting to rent our home. I could not bear to put anyone in possession, as at any time this war ends it is my wish to return to a home of love and peace, and if our house is gone we can have no place to go to. I much prefer keeping it with servants only to placing it entirely out of our reach. It will again be a happy home for us dear wife when all these troubles are over. I feel that our cause will triumph and that more speedily than I once did. Whether I shall be permitted to take any active part in the struggle is a more difficult problem to solve /

 

Many persons seem to think that our service here will be merely that of a guard to the mountain passes, and if so I most sincerely desire to leave it immediately. You feel badly about Gen^l Fremont, and I myself would have chosen some other commander if I could have done so, but I cannot feel as you do upon the subject. Great injustice has been done to Fremont by political wire works and also I am sorry to say by regular Army officers. These latter gentlemen are getting or have already got much too high an opinion of their own merits and too great contempt for every officer who has not been educated at West Point. Fremont never had this advantage although he was in the army, and his sudden advance to his present position (given to him I know from his political position) has made them all jealous, and from the day of his appointment / they have I believe picked at him in every possible way. If I had been President the appointment would not have been made, but that is no reason why I should not be able to see any good in the General. His course at St Louis, and in Missouri has been severely criticized, and although he no doubt has been guilty of great errors in one way or another, yet I have not yet heard his personal integrity questioned. His errors were those of judgment and I am now beginning to think that many things he has been charged with others higher in authority were responsible for. The defense made for him in regard to Lyon and Mulligan places his conduct in a much more favorable light than I supposed possible. I blamed him more in these two cases than in almost any other. I thought he was extravagant and ostentatious it is true but these faults might exist with great military genius. It seems now from the statements made / that all his efforts to relieve both Lyon and Mulligan were defeated by others, and that he is not to blame in either case. Being pretty well convinced of this I am inclined to judge more favorably of him in other respects, and to look upon the great clamor which has been raised against him as the work of his personal and political enemies. Under these circumstances I am willing to take him for my commander and give him a fair chance before I make up my mind fully as to his military capacity. He certainly has great energy and this is one thing that we greatly need in the future conduct of this war. You must not make up your mind dear wife by the statements of newspaper correspondents, as they write the character of a man up or down at pleasure, to suit their own selfish ends. Look now at the hue and cry which has been gotten up / in regard to M^cClellan. But a few months ago, he was a hero to be worshipped, and now a cry is going up against him over the whole country, which can only be stopped by some bald and brilliant victory on his part. A defeat would ruin him forever. All this in my judgment is unjust, and I will not join with the crowd. M^cClellan had my confidence and has it still. I firmly believe he will yet show to the country that he is in the right position. His long delay is to me unaccountable, but I have not been in his situation and cannot therefore rightly judge of his conduct. I never condemn a man in the dark. I have not then withdrawn my confidence from M^cClellan, nor will I refuse to Fremont a fair trial in the field. I hope the government will give him a strong army and a fair field, and I pray that he may prove a brilliant commander for the benefit of his country. 

 

But I must stop writing about either Fremont or M^cClellan. I would not have said this much did I not feel that my darling wife was unintentionally doing injustice, and making herself unhappy thusly without good grounds. Try and look upon the bright side. Cheer both yourself and myself up by having faith and confidence. I am constantly feeling how unhappy I have made you by the course I have taken, and that I had no right to do so. Yet dear wife when I look back at my course and see what I have done and scan my motives and the necessity for my actions my conscience entirely acquits me of all blame. This consoles but does not comfort me, for there still remains the fact that I have brought unhappiness upon the person dearest to me on / earth. Oh how can this be reconciled? Will not you look upon the bright side with me, and trust implicitly in the mercy and goodness of our Heavenly Father to bring us out of this affliction purified and made more fit for happiness both here and hereafter?

 

            I am truly sorry to hear of the affliction of poor Nannie Cassady. Her husband has paid the penalty of his mischief. He was always bitter in his feelings and in his bitterness has he ended his life. I feel for those he has left behind the most sincere pity, but that is all that I can say.

 

Write me if you have recovered from your cold. Pray do not neglect yourself in anything, but always take the proper remedies in time. Every one has gone to bed around me and I must close this I fear dull letter. Give my love to the children and all the family. Good night kisses to darling wife, which I would give much to present in person. Your devoted husband

N. C. M^cLean

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