Strasburg June 22nd 1862

 

            I have received your letter dear wife of the 13^th inst and it has caused me much distress. Why do you darling wife ask me such questions, doubting my love? If now you do not feel certain of it, how can I ever convince you? You ask, if I love my country more than you? There can be no comparison made between the two. The love that I bear to you is so tender and different from the other feeling that I know not how to even name them together. The one is all tenderness. the other full of sternness and determination. The first filling my whole life with happiness, the second sacrificing even the happiness which the first brings. The love which I bear for you belongs to ourselves, and although it colors and beautifies life in all that concerns us, yet its limit is ourselves. The feeling which I have for my country is a principle which has grown with advancing life and belongs not to self, but suffers all things for the glorious future of those even yet unborn. Self, and all the happiness of life is sacrificed, not because it is not understood and appreciated, but because the feeling for our country comprehends so much that self ceases to be the / ruling consideration. If this were not so, why should I leave a happy home and loving wife and children to endure the hardships and dangers through which I have passed even thus far. Surely you know me well enough to be certain that I can take no pleasure in the sort of life that I lead. On the contrary I often turn with disgust from many things which I see and hear, but I cannot leave it now. Never did the country need aid more than at this time. It is I believe the most critical period of this war, and no true patriot would now desert his standard. Our forces have defeated the enemy in almost every quarter, until now Virginia seems to be the stronghold which yet remains to be taken. We have accumulated before Richmond a vast army well provided in every respect, and the enemy on their part have concentrated all their troops possible to oppose us. Richmond and the valley we are now in are to be made the battlefields, and upon our success or defeat I believe will depend the continuance of the war. Gen^l M^cClellan seems not to be able to advance and I much fear that the force now opposed to him is so strong that he will it will be all he can do to maintain his present position. In this valley we have retreated to this point, & will probably fall back further still because we have not force enough to advance. Why / the Government does not send us more troops I cannot imagine. Now is the time to push with vigor upon every stronghold, and yet we cannot move. There is something wrong somewhere. Our rulers do not yet seem to have thoroughly wakened up to the true position we occupy and I fear nothing but a terrible defeat will open their eyes. We are here within five miles of Sigel and Banks with their forces. They do not number very largely but yet with the advantage of a strong position we can defend ourselves against a much superior force, should one march against us. You must learn dear wife not to fear so much for me, when you hear of a battle. Our forces are now so large that there may be a battle lost or won without my having scarcely anything to do in it. I shall always I hope be ready and willing to do my duty, but I will not place myself rashly in dangerous positions. My present command throws upon me more responsibility but I am not probably as much exposed as when in command of the regiment. My only fear now is that the President may not see fit to nominate me for Brigadier General and that my command may be taken away from me by the first real Brigadier who comes along. I have no friends that I know of at Washington to urge my claims, and therefore suppose that / I will be overlooked unless my good fortune enables me to distinguish myself on some future occasion. Gen^l Schenck expresses himself as very anxious to have me nominated and says that he intends to write to his friends at Washington upon the subject. I am afraid he has no influence however and that it will do no good. I feel complimented & obliged by his solicitude for me and shall remember it hereafter. Now a days the material of which they make Generals does not seem in all cases to be very choice. Yesterday I was called upon by one that astonished me very much. I was out visiting the pickets & did not see him. Do you remember Mr Slough Bell M^cLean's husband, who lived in Kansas? He has been to Washington and returns a Brigadier General and I have no doubt he is better qualified than half that are appointed. This is just a jump up for him, and it makes me feel as if my claims ought not to be overlooked. Do you not remember that Nettie Thurston told me I would return with a star upon my shoulder? When you write give my love to her and say that I have the command, without the star so that as yet her prophecy is only half true. I was sorry to hear of the death of poor cousin Sarah, although it no doubt was a relief to her suffering. Death comes to us in every place & all that we can do is to be ready. And now darling wife do not despair but bear up for my sake and that of our unborn baby. Be cheerful and trust in that gracious God who has thus far protected us both in every danger. He will order our lives according to his divine will, and for our eventual happiness. Love to Lindy and the children and loving kisses to darling wife—

                        N. C. M^cLean

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