Camp at Cedar Creek July 1^st 1862

 

            Another letter from you dear wife which has pained me very much. I feel that you are much distressed in regard to your future, and more I think than you need be. You complain that I have not answered your letters in regard to your movements in your time of trouble; but you surely have either not received my letters or have failed to remember all that I have said. From the very first I have said go to Louisville, and if you could not arrange to stay with your mother without causing her too great inconvenience then the next best thing for you to do is to take rooms near her where you can be comfortable and have her with you all the time. You need not go to a public boarding house, where you would not be agreeably situated but get some private house that would suit. Or if this could not be done, get a suite of / rooms at the Louisville Hotel where like Mrs Steele you could be perfectly retired. The children could go with you and I would much prefer that they should not in any event be separated from you. As it regards Sat and her friend Miss Oglesby must give way to the necessity of the case. I cannot for a moment have your mind and my own disquieted and perhaps your health injured by giving way to her plans. If you decide to go to Louisville she must either stay at Glendale with such persons as she can procure during your absence or else make arrangements for herself and friend in town. I can suggest but one other plan, and that is for you and the children to take rooms either at the Burnet House or some more quiet place in town where you can have every care possible, and send for your mother to come up. This of course includes Lindy in the arrangement. As I have written you / time and again if it is possible I will return to you by the last of August. Every effort on my part will be made to accomplish this end, and nothing but an insuperable obstacle will prevent my return at that time. I cannot believe dear wife that even to have me come home you would be willing to see me dishonored, and I might be placed in such a position that to leave would be disgrace. I hope before the time comes all things will be brighter for us and that it will not be so difficult to obtain leave of absence as now. I have already even at this early time indicated to Gen^l Schenck my wish to go home by the last of August, and the necessity which will then exist for my doing so, and he will cooperate with me in my desire. You have said that you expect to be sick by the last of August or first of September and if therefore I could procure leave of absence by the middle of August this would bring me home at the right time if I could get thirty days leave 

 

Now I hope you have not made any mistake in your calculations for the military rule is imperative and it would not be possible for me to remain beyond my leave under any circumstances, excepting total inability to move from personal sickness. Unless I hear differently from you therefore I shall at the proper time apply for leave of absence for thirty days from the middle of August. And now dear wife do pray cease to blame me for that which I have done. Your reproaches, for they amount to this, and lately they have been very strong and frequent, make me very unhappy on your account, and cannot possibly make any change in my conduct as I am now situated. You ask such questions as this Do I not consider it my duty to take care of my family? Now surely I have taken every care which I possibly could of all of you and if a stranger should read your letter he night suppose that I was a very bad husband and father. You alone do not suffer in this separation, and although I voluntarily in / sense entered upon this career, yet you well know that in another sense I was just as much compelled as if the bayonet had been used. To be sure it was a sense of duty which impelled me act as I did, and not brute force, but the impulse was more difficult to resist on that account. You suffer on account of my absence, and I also suffer in being absent. Your situation is trying, and I fully realize it and suffer the more on that account. But where is the remedy? Surely not in thinking that I have lost all affection for those left behind. You do not know how much you pain me by writing in this way, and more than this you cannot realize how much this feeling will grow upon you by being indulged in. I am grieved to say so dear wife but you are unjust to me, and cause both of us unnecessary pain. Indeed you must not give way to these feelings as you will / injure the health of both your body and your mind. Let me beg you to look upon me then with the same warm feeling as you once did and never to reproach me so unjustly again. Command yourself dear wife and act in that manner under the trying circumstances which surround you as will best enable you to overcome all the difficulties which are in your way. If going to Louisville seems to you impossible under all the circumstances, then go to Cinti, or else have such proper arrangements made at Glendale as will insure the presence of Dr Potter at the time you need him. A messenger might be sent to Cinti and return in three hours by the turnpike at any hour of the day or night. Your mother could be with you long beforehand and your nurse also, and even upon the slightest apprehension Dr Potter could be sent for even if he had to remain a half or a whole day before you needed him. All this could be done if you decided to / remain at home. If this does not suit suit it is easy to take rooms in the city so as to be very comfortable. Now look this difficulty in the face and make up your mind to that course which your own sense of right tells you is best, & pursue it. You will satisfy me by this course. If I can be with you there will be no difficulty in arranging everything as you desire it, and I pray most earnestly that I may be permitted to be at home when you need me, but act also for yourself, and be prepared to meet every emergency that may arise. A messenger can be started at any hour day or night for Glendale on horseback or in a buggy, and on his return with the Dr take a fresh horse back from the city if the proper arrangements have been made before hand. By this I do not by any means urge you to remain at Glendale for I assure you that on this point you will confer upon me a pleasure by choosing for yourself according to your own judgment / It will be my greatest gratification to carry out your wishes in every particular so far as it is in my power to do so. Can I dear wife say or do more, unless I give up country, honor, & all things, for the sake of returning to you. You cannot ask me to do this. Were I to comply with your request you would yourself in time like all the rest of the world learn to despise me, as one who deserted his country at her greatest need.

 

            Burnet has returned this afternoon. He remained but part of a day in Washington and his Aunt Ev did not have time to effect anything during his stay. I am afraid the star will not glitter upon my shoulder at present. Politicians are the ones most prominent and in this line I am proud to say I do not rank. If my services do not command the position let it go, I will not complain, but wait patiently for future events. This afternoon I was perfectly astonished by the appearance of Capt Tom Anderson at my quarters. He was in good health & fine spirits. A portion of his regiment is here in Gen^l Cooper's brigade. Tom is the same as ever excepting that the army has not improved him in the use of language. He now uses oaths very freely which I do not remember as a habit of his before.

 

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I shall send this letter by Burnet instead of the mail. Love to Lindy and the children and warm and loving good night kisses to darling wife

N. C. M^cLean

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