Head Quarters 2^nd Brigade 1^st Div

Camp near Battlefield beyond Culpepper Aug 12^th /62

 

            I have just received your letter dear wife of August 6^th, and there are many things you write about on which I differ with you somewhat. You complain of what you call my sensitiveness in regard to my duty to my country, and think that I am so much absorbed in this that I care little for you & home matters and neglect your interest and comfort. You do not say this in so many words, but you mean this in all that you say. You also speak of the cause in which I am engaged as one of doubtful propriety as there exists faults on both sides and that you cannot see why in such case I should devote myself as much as I do. All this dear wife troubles me very much. I should above all things like to have your approbation of my course, as it would cheer and comfort / me under many a trial and hardship which I have to pass through. I was in hopes that now, when the wickedness of this rebellion had been so clearly established by the exposure of the intentions of the rebels, that you would feel that I was only in the performance of a sacred duty. I never was more convinced of it than at this moment, when a portion of our army have just been engaged in so severe a battle as the one on the 4^th at this point. In the army we are brought into contact with all the misery produced by these miserable rebels, and perhaps we feel more acutely than those at a distance. I never felt more sincerely than I do now, that I have a most sacred duty to perform in my position here, and that were I to basely leave it now, I should lose my own self respect and merit the contempt of all good men. Neither do I think that I am so neglectful of you and my family as to have my friends think it very strange that and unfortunate that I should have entered into / the army atall. I cannot to be sure be with you, but in all things else in my power I have surely not neglected you. I know that it is very hard for you particularly at this time, and I have suffered much in thinking of your situation; but what is there that I can do which I have not done. The only thing which remains is to give up on home at Glendale. Even this I am now willing to do if it will atall contribute to your happiness. I think you are making a mistake in this for this war cannot last forever or for many months in its present shape, and a family without a permanent home are poorly off. It is true I cannot afford two homes, and yet were we to rent our place to some one who would neglect or destroy our fruit or shrubbery, I should never value it again. A single injudicious pruning of our fruit trees might ruin them. But all this is of very little moment if you can be happier at any other place, and I am now willing that you should rent the place / either now or next winter as you judge but I am also willing that during my absence you should go to Louisville and stay with your mother upon the condition that you can so arrange it as not to increase her troubles, but by your boarding rather lighten them. Now what more dear wife can I do. I must say my impression is that it will be a mistake to do this, but at the same time for your happiness I will most cheerfully consent. And you must not understand me as doing it grudgingly, but with even pleasure so that it will make you happier. When I return home there will be many things in regard to our living which I shall by necessity be forced to change, for with my position in the army I shall of course part with a very nice income, and it will take time and labor to make it up from my profession, even if I should be again successful at it. All these things however are in the future, I mean the income, profession &c. 

 

I have as yet received no answer to my application to my for leave of absence and things have so much changed that I very much fear my leave will be refused. If this should happen it will make me very unhappy, for I have set my heart dear wife upon seeing you this month. I dare not ask you to delay at Glendale longer than the 20^th, if you should not hear from me by that time, as after waiting it might turn out to be impossible for me to come home at this time. I wrote you that I had been sick, and I have suffered a good deal, but am now improving very fast. So far I have always kept at my post, whether sick or well and I believe my very determination upon this point has aided my health. I applied for leave of absence on account of sickness, and possibly my leave may arrive after I am nearly well. The enemy have / retreated from this point and our orders for marching after them at four oclock tomorrow morning have just been received. Part of our army marched this morning & I suppose the rest will all go forward tomorrow. We march on the road to Orange Court House where we suppose the enemy are at present. Perhaps they will fall clear back to Richmond. The battle here on the 9^th between Banks and Jackson was a serious one in which we came off second best as to losses, but we held our ground & the enemy are now in full retreat. Would that M^cClellan might advance and destroy the army at Richmond at once, so that I could once more get home to you dear wife. It is a great trial to me to be thus separated from you and it hurts me darling wife to have you think that I have lost my love for you. Your friends who think it was so unfortunate for me to have entered the army cannot be friends of mine or they would not speak this way to you.

 

[sideways overwritten]

 

It is late and I must quit or go without sleep as we march so early in the morning. Love to Lindy and the children with loving good night kisses to my darling little wife.

                                                                                                                       

N. C. M^cLean

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