Head Quarters 1^st Div 11^th Corps

Stafford Court House Jany 14^th 1863

 

            I have just received dear wife your letter written on the 11^th ins^t and it has made me feel sad, and almost cross. Why will you persist in saying that I am changed because you do not get my letter? I have written to you every night but one since my return, and cannot imagine why you have not received my letters. In order to insure that you should hear from me quickly I have taken advantage of every opportunity to send letters by any officer, and yet in spite of this you blame me for something of which I am entirely innocent, and as a consequence think that I have changed in my feelings towards you. Now little wife you are doing both of us injustice in this. You are blaming me wrongfully and encouraging / feelings on your part which can only lead to unhappiness and change on your side. What on earth have I done that can possibly make you have such a thought in regard to me. You are wrong as I have assured you again and again dear wife. I love you now as sincerely and devotedly as ever I did and there has been a time when my love was warm enough to satisfy you. If I have changed atall it is in having for you a deeper feeling of love. Of what can you complain? Nothing that I am aware of but because my letters have not arrived as often as you desire them. Now little darling have confidence in the fullness of my love, and do not pain me or yourself by any future doubts. Are you not all to me that a man can ask in a darling devoted wife, and do I not know and feel this every day of my life? More than this are you not the handsomest little / wife in all the country, and have we not the prettiest and sweetest baby that ever was, to make us love each other more than ever? Answer me this, you exacting woman, and say whether you have not a reasonable man for a husband, with sense enough to appreciate all this, and heart enough to feel all the warm and devoted love which he should for such a wife? Ah dear wife you do not know how hard it is for me to be separated in this way from you and how gladly I would have it otherwise if it could be so. The difference between us is this. You will not accept the condition of our country as a sufficient excuse for my conduct, whilst on my part this compels me to the performance of that which I consider an imperative duty, and forces me to the sacrifice which I have made. This is no indication of a change of feeling on my part towards you, and should / not be so regarded. How much happier I should feel dear wife if you would only love me more for doing my duty in this struggle instead of making it a cause of complaint and evidence of my want of love for you. I am sorry that you do not like to remain at Washington, for then I can have some hopes of seeing you occasionally, and if we should go into winter quarters I might perhaps have you come to me. You do not know what a comfort it is to feel that you are within part of a days journey of me. If however you think it would add to your happiness to visit your mother, I will submit to your going. I will not say that this will be done with pleasure, for it would not be the truth. I cannot bear to have anyone before me with you. Love to Ev, Tottie Bessie and darling wife with loving good night kisses.  M^cLean

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