Nashville, T. Febry 21^st 1864

 

My dear brother.—

                                    Your’s of the 4^th and 15^th inst. are received. I rejoice in your wellfare and am glad to hear, that Lona is enjoying good health,—all tending to make and increase your happiness and I pray God, you may enjoy it for some time to come and while sailing smoothly, neither fear any coming tempest nor entirely forget the likelyhood of cloudy days.—I enjoy the knowledge of your prosperity all the more by my own failures and difficulties of obtaining anything that would bring gladness on my path,—I compain not.—None but God and myself knowing, how truly I endeavored “to the best of my ability to get ahead” and but not yet struck the right vein, I am conscious of having done my all and must abide by God’s decree. To believe, that all is luck and chance, would deprive me of all hope and with the terible struggles of mind that I have passed through of late, would soon drive me into dispair. I neither speculate nor fancy these things,—I know just what I say and that, is just what I mean.—

 

            It would be useless probably to thank you for the/many kindnesses you and Lona extendet to my dear ones;—yet I do it for my own satisfaction. I flatter myself, you feel rewarded for what has been done, in the enjoyment of their society.—May I also be permitted to reciprocate these expressions of affection to yours!—

 

            The improvements made in your store are well thought of and just what you needed. I know it must look well.—Success in all your further undertakings.—

 

            So far, as ease and outward comfort is concerned, I have a good position,—the undecided matter of my extra pay troubles me considerable.—

 

            It takes more than I have yet possessed to keep up “good courage”, but I bear your injunction in mind,—just tell me with all, on what shall I build it?—The end of the Rebellion!—I presume, you will say;—yes—and then?—

 

            I have been dragged for so long time in the desires for gain, that I have well nigh forgotton, that there are higher aims in this life & the sacrifice worth nothing, compared with the great issue at stake. I am ashamed of myself & only am glad, that you at home know nothing of the true state of my feeling and/mental sufferings and struggles for many a month.

 

            I have made some very pleasant aquaintances among some of the Germans lately through a Mr Eggers. He Post Chaplain. He is none of your long faced, sanctimonious, do nothing class of men disgracing the holy calling, but an earnest, whole souled man;—he is a step higher in my estimation than Mr Conant was and you know, I esteemed him very much. I go every Sunday to the german service (ignoring all others) and say in all candor, it improves me,—besides the old mother tongue has a charm for me, that nothing can compare to it.—

 

            It is near mail time and I must close. Much love to Lona;—I trust to see you  all in a short time. So far as human foresight can judge I expect to be at home in April. I have asked for a furlough at that time and the promise of it has been made me; please God, I shall once more know of joys, that now, I am a stranger to and the want of it, make a dull being of me.—

                                    Your brother

                                                            Edward

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