Goldsboro N. Carolina April 2^nd 1865

 

            I am going to write you again today, dear Sarah, tho only two or three days have elapsed since my last. I remember that in all probability Shermans army will remain here but a few days, & it is a duty as well as a pleasure to write to my friends often. As yet I have rec^d but the two letters from you & I have concluded that the back mail this army should have rec^d has been destroyed. I hope such is not the case. Of news I have absolutely nothing to write. That is nothing that I think would interest. In camp we are resting & doing nothing save a little work on the rifle pits. We have no drill, no parade, not even a roll-call. & more than a full ration. We get up & lie down at pleasure, & go where we please in or outside the picket line

 

            There is a rumor that Lee is expected down this way but I do not credit it. The fortifying however seems to indicate fear of an attack. We get no papers except some a month or two old & consequently know but little of what is going on at a distance. Yesterday I witnessed the execution of a soldier of the 12^th N. Y. Cav. The sight was a sad one. The soldier was a young man & very good looking. He seemed to care little for what was going on, & to the last moment evinsed no emotion, no fear of death. My I do not remember what/I wrote in my last letter to you but I have the impression that it was rather cold & harsh. if so I ask you to forgive me, for really I did not intend it to be so. At that time I felt vexed & worried & besides unwell & did not write because I wished to. I rec^d yesterday a long letter from mother, & one from father. I was much gratified by their perusal. Mother says she would not advise me to leave off the use of tabacco while in the army, but I think I shall. It is now almost a month since I used tobacco in any shape & I find the habit more easily over come than I had thot. At times the desire for it comes very strong, but the temptation grows constantly less with denial. In one of your letters rec^d at [Pocatalige?], you declined to command me in the matter & spoke as though I had given you pain by the proposition. I did not mean to do any thing of the kind When I said I would leave it to you I meant to abide by your decision & I referred it to you, because I knew that of & for myself I would never give up the use of tobacco. Which I would have done to promote your happiness. For your joy is mine. But never mind the tobacco. if I use none in a year I will tell you that I have quit it forever. The weather  here is beautiful & we are well situated & should enjoy ourselves. I will give you a brief description of the camp. It may interest you/

 

We are camped in line. 1^st 2^nd & 3^d divisions of the 15^th Corps & the 4^th in reserve, on a ridge of sand & in front of the camp is a strong line of rifle pits & a fort & battery to each division. It is a pleasant camp when the wind is not high & sand blowing. In front of camp about one fourth mile is a pretty little creek & farther on a hill covered with splendid oak trees on our right is another creek & on the left the railroad. Three miles to rear is Neuse river & two miles Goldsboro.

 

            Here I am pretty well contented. Tho sometimes I wish to be on the move again. I go over to the hill & lie in the shade & think of happy hours long ago I wonder will I ever see such again. I have at such times a sort of quiet happiness & the strong evil passions are for the time subdued, & there are too at times feelings of mingled joy & sorrow & in that way, dear Sarah, do I sometimes think of you. I am always glad that I have your love, but sometimes will come the wish that I had never known or loved you. I do love you, Sarah darling. truly, passionately, & it is the fear that through me you may sometimes know sorrow that causes unhappiness. I have missed your letters very much, more than two months I did not hear from any of my northern friends & since coming here I have rec^d only two letters from you. I was much interested in the perusal/of them & the little books which they contained. Accept my thanks for them. I have nothing else to give you. What do the people north think of Shermans recent movements. You ask me why I have never rec^d promotion & I answer freely. In the old company I would not accept a non-commission & in this company I have not had the chance. I do not however feel badly about it when there are better men than myself, for the positions, still in the ranks. I should not be surprised if Miss Mary had played off on me. I have not rec^d a letter from her since leaving Savannah & presume the correspondence ended. To make up for this I have letters from a couple of Bennington young ladies that claim a kind of relationship. They write very well & I think I shall answer their letters. Deserters from the rebel army come in every day in large numbers. I think the Confederacy about used up & hope that another campaign will end the thing. A report here is that Sherman has said that in four months he would muster out at Richmond the best army the world ever saw. I do not vouch for the truth of the report. Well dear I think I have written you a long letter if not a very interesting one. I trust you will write me as often as convenient. I shall love to read the letters even if they are a long time coming. My regards best wishes for Grandma & Charles & families & my love for yourself/

 

[front margin] May God bless & keep you my darling one, is the earnest prayer of your true cousin & friend   Theodore

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