Fourth and Elm St. St Louis, Mo

                                                                                                            June 2^nd 1863.

 

My Dear little Darling,

                        I received your dear, kind note—per kindness of Willie—and those sweet, precious flowers—Oh! how I love those beautiful handiworks of God—this morning, Lizzie, it fills my heart with joy to know that you are up again and are feeling so much better. One of the dearest hopes of my existence is that you may remain so and that the perpetual bloom of health may ever gladden your cheek. /

I hope that I did not alarm you by my earnestness of style in my last but really Lizzie I thought it was the last letter I would have the pleasure of writing to you for a long long time—for I firmly expected to go to prison the next day as my “twelve days were out”—but they seemed not to think of me and so here I am still awaiting their orders. Oh! this suspence is dreadful. rather would I abide my fate at once than remain in such intolerable suspence. Lizzie, Darling, I thank you for your kind forgiveness God knows that my poor weak heart was sadly in need of such words of comfort, for it was burden / enough for it to bear to leave those it so much loved without having to bear all their sad reproaches.

 

What strengthened my fears that they would send me back to prison was that not only were my twelve days out—the time they told D^r P— they would allow me though not stated in my parole—but I also saw in Sunday’s paper an order to the effect that all officers on parole should be sent back to prison and that there would be no further exchange of prisoners for the present but that they supposed that the exchange would soon commence, upon the same liberal basis upon which it had been existing. At first the only visions that greeted me were the dreary prison walls / but soon I saw that they could not carry their scheme out—we having the most prisoners—and then my hopes revived. Such, Lizzie, were the troubled feelings of my soul when I wrote to you and I say now what I said then that I had those few thoughts to communicate to you at some time or other and that whether I communicated them to you then or six months hence it makes no difference and even Lizzie, if I should never go at all my words shall ever stand the same. But now having communicated thus much to you—let them send me when they may I feel that you understand me and that all will be well.

 

Lizzie, Darling be assured that no opportunity shall ever slip by me for writing to you when I think I think—as I said before—I can do so with-out implicating your self. I have an arrangement all ready made by which I think I can get letters to you with-out exposing you in the least.

 

I did not get a full suit of uniform; I got an entire suit of grey and had the coat cut as a uniform coat but did not have the buttons put on it or the trimmings as I did not know whether thy would allow me to take it along or not. I do not think the grey is becoming to me. Lizzie I shall exert all my powers to leave you a picture of my self and if I fail you will then have to make Dille give you hers—tell her that I gave it to you—having a right always to reclaim our pictures—but you had better use the persuasive first—

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